This is tailored to us Brits who have to weather ITV’s shite coverage. Specifically, us Celts who have to endure ITV’s coverage of England in the World Cup with scant regard for anyone else watching.

Here is what I propose drinking and when, broken down by category.

Team Scoring / Result

• Try is scored – 2 fingers
• Penalty awarded – 1 finger
• Successful penalty / drop goal / conversion (unless scored by Jonny Wilkinson or Dan Carter) – 1 finger
• The attempt at goal hits the posts – another 1  finger
• …and still goes over – another 1 finger
• Penalty try – finish your drink
• Match ends in a draw – Down an entire drink
• A team gets nilled – Down an entire drink
• A team makes a century – Down an entire drink

General

• Yellow card – down half your drink
• Red card – down an entire drink
• TMO is consulted – 1 finger
• A good punch – 2 fingers
• Mass brawl / “99″ – down an entire drink
• A kick-off doesn’t go 10 – 3 fingers
• There’s a streaker – entire drink
• Substitution – 1 finger
• Blood substitution – 2 fingers

National Anthems

• 1 finger for every player not singing
• 1 finger for every player crying

New Zealand

• Richie McCaw cheats – 1 finger
• Richie McCaw cheats and gets penalised – 2 fingers
• Richie McCaw cheats, gets caught AND binned – down an entire drink
• Dan Carter misses a shot at goal – 3 fingers
• New Zealand choke – down an entire drink
• New Zealand’s 24 year drought is mentioned – 1 finger

England

• Jonny Wilkinson misses a shot at goal – 3 fingers

France

• “But which France are going to turn up?” or similar – 1 finger

Wales

• Gavin Henson is mentioned – 1 finger
• Shane is described as a “wizard” – 1 finger
• The less-than-glowing Welsh track record against Pacific Island teams is referenced – 1 finger.

Scotland

• Fail to score a single try – Entire drink

South Africa

• Steyn goes for a 50m+ drop goal – 1 finger
• Nelson Mandela is talked about or shown -  2 fingers

Player and coach interviews

• “Physicality” is mentioned – 1 finger
• “Fronting up” is mentioned – 1 finger

ITV commentary

• Jonny Wilkinson is mentioned – 1 finger
• 2003 is mentioned – 1 finger
• Clive Woodward is mentioned – 1 finger
• That sodding drop goal is mentioned – 1 finger
• That sodding drop goal is actually shown – 2 fingers
• Someone queries how the current game will affect England’s chances (if it’s a game actually in England’s pool) – 1 finger
• Someone queries how the current game will affect England’s chances (if it’s NOT a game in England’s pool) – 2 fingers
• Someone dares bring up the fact that New Zealand played South Africa in 1995 suffering from food poisoning – finish an entire drink
• …in front of Francois Pienaar – Finish 2 drinks.
• Anyone side-stepping is compared to Jason Robinson – 1 finger
• The camera focuses for an inordinate amount of time of an attractive girl in the crowd – 1 finger