While searching my emails for an order reference I rediscovered this rare gem - an email forward that was actually funny. So much so its been sitting at the bottom of my inbox since February 2002. I can’t vouch for the validity of all of these, but I can assure you that many of these really were given as answers on Family Fortunes. (Clearly I’ve watched one too many editions of It’ll Be Alright On The Night…)
Enjoy…
An animal beginning with B: “Bullfrog..”
Something associated with Liverpool: “The Yellow Brick Road..”
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: “Little Red Riding Hood..”
Something associated with Queen Victoria: “Her husbands..”
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: “Your legs..”
A place you would keep a pen: “A zoo..”
Something you beat: “An apple..”
Something associated with rain: “Water..”
An animal that lives in the English countryside: “A lion..”
Something you make into a ball: “Eggs..”
A game that uses a black ball: “Darts..”
A popular TV soap: “Dove..”
Other than ‘carrier’, a type of bag: “Horse..”
Something you might find in a garage: “a grand piano..”
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: “On Garde..”
A fast animal: “A hippo..”
Something you keep in the garden: “A cat..”
Something that gives you goosebumps: “Mumps..”
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: “Hansel and Gretel..”
Something that has a shell: “Batman..”
Any dance apart from the waltz: “The ball dance..”
Something a policeman might say: “Spread ‘em..”
Something that frightens Dracula: “The King of the Vampires..”
A non-living object with legs: “A plant..”
A sign of the Zodiac: “April..”
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: “Andy Pandy..”
A mode of transport that you can walk in: “Your shoes..”
An animal with big ears: “A bear..”
Something you do on water: “Wallpaper..”
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: “A drum kit..”
Something associated with Egypt: “Cigars..”
A part of your body you only have one of: “Your big toe..”
Something you pull: “A potato..”
An animal used as a form of transport: “A turtle..”
A famous Phil or Philip: “Phil Johnson..”
A habit people try to give up: “Spitting..”
A Thunderbirds character: “Doctor Spock..”
Another TV gameshow with the word ‘family’ in the title: “The
Generation Game..”
A seaside resort on the south coast: ” Rio de Janeiro..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a red light on it: “a Dalek..”
Something that makes you scream: “A squirrel..”
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: “Chips..”
A type of record: “A floppy disk..”
A type of large cat: “Persian..”
A job that a working dog does: “A slave..”
Something people might be allergic to: “Skiing..”
An occupation where you need a torch: “A burglar..”
A well known superstition: “Running in front of a car..”
Something you use a microchip in: “A fish-fryer..”
A dangerous race: “The Arabs..”
A game played in the dark: “Charades..”
Some famous brothers: “Bonnie and Clyde..”
A jacket potato topping: “Jam..”
A part of the body you have more than two of: “Arms..”
Something you find on a fire engine: “Coal..”
A famous royal: “Mail..”
Something you do before going to bed: “Sleep..”
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: “A horse..”
An animal you see at the zoo: “Dog..”
Something you might do in a power cut: “Read a book..”
A famous Parisian landmark: “Hawaii..”
One of Harry Enfield’s characters: “Sooty..”
A famous Irishman: “Disraeli..”
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: “The floor..”
Something you associate with the sea: “A coffin..”
A famous Arthur: “Shakespeare..”
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: “Dice..”
Something people take to the beach: “Turkey..”
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: “Grave digger..”
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: “Chicken..”
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: “His
name..”
A bird with a long neck: “A blackbird..”
A bird with a long neck (2): “Naomi Campbell..”
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: “Underpants..”
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: “The lamps..”
Something you keep in a garden shed: “A gardener..”
A song with moon in the title: “Blue Suede Moon..”
A famous cowboy: “Buck Rogers..”
A famous Wild-West character: “Wild Bill Eacock..”
Something you’d associate with the three bears: “Red Riding Hood..”
Fruit used in fruit salad: “Cucumber..”
Something you wear on the beach: “A deckchair..”
A method of cooking fish: “Cod..”
Something you borrow from your partner: “Shoes..”
A part of the body beginning with N: “Knee..”
A famous Scotsman: “Vinnie Jones..”
A famous Scotsman (2): “Jock..”
Something red: “My cardigan..”
A kind of ache: “Fillet-o-fish..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a hole in it: “A window..”
Something you do in the bathroom: “Decorate..”
Something you put on walls: “Roofs..”
A domestic animal: “A leopard..”
Something that floats in the bath: “Water..”
Something in the garden that’s green: “The shed..”
Something a blind man might use: “A sword..”
The last thing you take off before going to bed: “Your feet..”
Something that flies without an engine: “A bicycle with wings..”
I was roused from my sleep by “the postman” who “had a parcel” for me. In my momentary lapse into dysphasia I mumbled something about being there in a minute (or at least I thought that…) and staggered into the bathroom, where I put on the first thing to hand - an ill-fitting old dressing gown belonging to the missus.
Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace is one of the funniest TV shows I have ever seen. It’s a spoof 80’s sci-fi/horror show in the style of The Twilight Zone or The Outer Limits. Fucking genius.