Mathew Browne

I just read that statistically speaking one is more likely to be struck by a comet than win the Euromillions lottery. Click here for the link. Furthermore, a past winner now lives with hundreds of begging letters per week, kidnap plots and death threats. So, am I going to try to beat odds of 80 million to one and spend the rest of my days stuck in my mansion and living in fear? Is a £75million windfall really worth that?

Erm… Yes!

(I think £75million can comfortably afford a name change by deed poll and a full-time security squad, and I could light fat cigars with the begging letters.)

Now, on a totally unrelated tangent… what the hell?

Here on this front cover you have nearly all the classic tabloid scandal staples: drugs, death, fire/explosion/terrorist attack, sex, murder, prostitutes, tragedy, and a star from a reality TV show. The only things missing are football, politicians, paedophiles and asylum seekers.

The only way you could top that is if Jade Goody sexed David Beckham to death during a three-way orgy with an asylum seeking terrorist, having just snorted a fat line of coke off the chest of Gary Glitter. Which was supplied by Peter Mandelson. In the Big Brother house.

Then told all in a 4-page spread at a poolside in the Bahamas as Max Clifford rubs his hands together in glee.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4260706.stm