Having read all about Jodie Marsh’s “dead cert” status in tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother eviction, I was somewhat surprised to find a site still offering reasonable (though still low) odds. I am now £22 richer, though I had to slap down a lot more to win that.
The moral of this story, however, is that gambling is for mugs.
While searching my emails for an order reference I rediscovered this rare gem - an email forward that was actually funny. So much so its been sitting at the bottom of my inbox since February 2002. I can’t vouch for the validity of all of these, but I can assure you that many of these really were given as answers on Family Fortunes. (Clearly I’ve watched one too many editions of It’ll Be Alright On The Night…)
Enjoy…
An animal beginning with B: “Bullfrog..”
Something associated with Liverpool: “The Yellow Brick Road..”
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: “Little Red Riding Hood..”
Something associated with Queen Victoria: “Her husbands..”
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: “Your legs..”
A place you would keep a pen: “A zoo..”
Something you beat: “An apple..”
Something associated with rain: “Water..”
An animal that lives in the English countryside: “A lion..”
Something you make into a ball: “Eggs..”
A game that uses a black ball: “Darts..”
A popular TV soap: “Dove..”
Other than ‘carrier’, a type of bag: “Horse..”
Something you might find in a garage: “a grand piano..”
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: “On Garde..”
A fast animal: “A hippo..”
Something you keep in the garden: “A cat..”
Something that gives you goosebumps: “Mumps..”
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: “Hansel and Gretel..”
Something that has a shell: “Batman..”
Any dance apart from the waltz: “The ball dance..”
Something a policeman might say: “Spread ‘em..”
Something that frightens Dracula: “The King of the Vampires..”
A non-living object with legs: “A plant..”
A sign of the Zodiac: “April..”
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: “Andy Pandy..”
A mode of transport that you can walk in: “Your shoes..”
An animal with big ears: “A bear..”
Something you do on water: “Wallpaper..”
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: “A drum kit..”
Something associated with Egypt: “Cigars..”
A part of your body you only have one of: “Your big toe..”
Something you pull: “A potato..”
An animal used as a form of transport: “A turtle..”
A famous Phil or Philip: “Phil Johnson..”
A habit people try to give up: “Spitting..”
A Thunderbirds character: “Doctor Spock..”
Another TV gameshow with the word ‘family’ in the title: “The
Generation Game..”
A seaside resort on the south coast: ” Rio de Janeiro..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a red light on it: “a Dalek..”
Something that makes you scream: “A squirrel..”
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: “Chips..”
A type of record: “A floppy disk..”
A type of large cat: “Persian..”
A job that a working dog does: “A slave..”
Something people might be allergic to: “Skiing..”
An occupation where you need a torch: “A burglar..”
A well known superstition: “Running in front of a car..”
Something you use a microchip in: “A fish-fryer..”
A dangerous race: “The Arabs..”
A game played in the dark: “Charades..”
Some famous brothers: “Bonnie and Clyde..”
A jacket potato topping: “Jam..”
A part of the body you have more than two of: “Arms..”
Something you find on a fire engine: “Coal..”
A famous royal: “Mail..”
Something you do before going to bed: “Sleep..”
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: “A horse..”
An animal you see at the zoo: “Dog..”
Something you might do in a power cut: “Read a book..”
A famous Parisian landmark: “Hawaii..”
One of Harry Enfield’s characters: “Sooty..”
A famous Irishman: “Disraeli..”
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: “The floor..”
Something you associate with the sea: “A coffin..”
A famous Arthur: “Shakespeare..”
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: “Dice..”
Something people take to the beach: “Turkey..”
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: “Grave digger..”
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: “Chicken..”
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: “His
name..”
A bird with a long neck: “A blackbird..”
A bird with a long neck (2): “Naomi Campbell..”
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: “Underpants..”
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: “The lamps..”
Something you keep in a garden shed: “A gardener..”
A song with moon in the title: “Blue Suede Moon..”
A famous cowboy: “Buck Rogers..”
A famous Wild-West character: “Wild Bill Eacock..”
Something you’d associate with the three bears: “Red Riding Hood..”
Fruit used in fruit salad: “Cucumber..”
Something you wear on the beach: “A deckchair..”
A method of cooking fish: “Cod..”
Something you borrow from your partner: “Shoes..”
A part of the body beginning with N: “Knee..”
A famous Scotsman: “Vinnie Jones..”
A famous Scotsman (2): “Jock..”
Something red: “My cardigan..”
A kind of ache: “Fillet-o-fish..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a hole in it: “A window..”
Something you do in the bathroom: “Decorate..”
Something you put on walls: “Roofs..”
A domestic animal: “A leopard..”
Something that floats in the bath: “Water..”
Something in the garden that’s green: “The shed..”
Something a blind man might use: “A sword..”
The last thing you take off before going to bed: “Your feet..”
Something that flies without an engine: “A bicycle with wings..”
Louise’s girly (read: “lilac”) phone decided to pack in last night, thanks to a gimpy software bug that turns off the phone as soon as you try to get into your inbox. Helpful.
Today, I marched angrily to Vodafone on Oxford St seeking a repair or replacement, making sure to mention - loudly - that the phone was my fiancée’s. The guy in the first shop I went to knew the fault before I even mentioned it, just by seeing the phone. He told me that hundreds of people have returned phones with the same software bug. Unfortunately, they were a “sales” not “sales and repair” store, so I was directed to their Bond Street store.
And what a waste of time that was. Their customer service people fobbed me off with the “your phone isn’t in warranty” line. Admittedly, the phone is out of warranty, however the fault in question is due to a software fault rather than wear and tear. And, importantly, it’s a major fault that they’ve known about for months but with no product recall. I made this point to their manager. I might as well have been talking to a stack of crap. He looked at me blankly and reiterated “it’s out of warranty, repair will cost you £40″.
It was time for a change of tact. I got the tube to Charing Cross and went to the Vodafone shop, found the first female member of staff, and told her the phone fault (but held on to the receipt for the time being). All the while making flirty bullshit smalltalk and generally feeling like the Missus wouldn’t approve of my conduct. Eventually she asked to see the receipt and noticed it was out of warranty. But then I sweet-talked her into getting it repaired for free anyway.
I trotted off feeling like an absolute smug bastard.
Mid-morning tubes are almost empty, so I took the time to scour the Metro newspapers scattered everywhere for the 2-for-1 Subway vouchers on page 20. I found 4, much to the dismay of my fellow passenger, who was visibly disapproving of my voucher-scavenging ways. But fuck him. Minutes later, I was tucking into a fucking enormous sandwich at half the price.
For the second time this morning, I trotted off feeling like an absolute smug bastard.
If you’ve seen Google Earth, you might find this news story rather interesting.
Speaking of going overboard with post-Christmas sales, here is a photo of the trolley-full of chocolate I got on sale at Sainsburys. Oh yes.
I don’t think this photo does justice the sheer weight of artery-clogging, hyperactivity-triggering, sugary, cocoa-laden goodness that I’m diligently ploughing through.
I was roused from my sleep by “the postman” who “had a parcel” for me. In my momentary lapse into dysphasia I mumbled something about being there in a minute (or at least I thought that…) and staggered into the bathroom, where I put on the first thing to hand - an ill-fitting old dressing gown belonging to the missus.
When I (finally) answered the door I discover it’s no ordinary mailman, it’s Louise’s Dad, delivering some DVDs I had ordered. And laughing heartily at my choice of morning attire. Nothing like a generous helping of humiliation to wake you up in the morning.
The accompanying photo is the stack of DVDs I acquired over Christmas. Some might say I went a bit overboard. They’re probably right.
You know the scene in Dumb and Dumber where Harry is on the toilet?
I arrived at work late today.
That is all.
The last year was a bit hit-and-miss - the relief of finally obtaining my degree (and other things) seems to have been offset by poor luck later on in the year. Must be karma.
The Highs:
- Most important of all: Getting my university degree (possibly the most relieved I have ever been)
- Bagging a fantastic job at UCL
- Dad winning a top-of-the-range computer in a competition run by Computer Shopper magazine
- Dad then giving me the computer as a graduation present
The Lows:
- Some junkie burgling my parents house and making off with thousands of pounds-worth of jewellery
- The Missus losing £600 she’d paid upfront for a Tiny/Time laptop
- The ex-landlord fiasco (though it had a happy ending after many tense weeks)
- Two aunties dying within days of each other before Christmas
Maybe 2006 will turn out to be middle-of-the-road and plodding. We’ll see. Here are some predictions of things that definitely won’t be happening in the coming year:
- I become a millionaire (but it won’t be for lack of trying or desire)
- P2P file-sharing is destroyed by the MPAA and RIAA, once and for all
- I join a gym
- The Northern Line goes a whole day without disruption or delays
- I go a week without being targeted by a charity mugger around UCL or Tottenham Court Road
- I use the “I’m busy”, “away”, and “on the phone” status messages on MSN honestly. (Who does?)
Ugh. Back to work tomorrow. I have to spec, order, and set-up a web server. Which I know fuck all about. I think I’ll be pestering my friend on 7th floor to help me out… I’m not looking forward to actually getting up in the mornings again.