Mathew Browne

Here on this front cover you have nearly all the classic tabloid scandal staples: drugs, death, fire/explosion/terrorist attack, sex, murder, prostitutes, tragedy, and a star from a reality TV show. The only things missing are football, politicians, paedophiles and asylum seekers.

The only way you could top that is if Jade Goody sexed David Beckham to death during a three-way orgy with an asylum seeking terrorist, having just snorted a fat line of coke off the chest of Gary Glitter. Which was supplied by Peter Mandelson. In the Big Brother house.

Then told all in a 4-page spread at a poolside in the Bahamas as Max Clifford rubs his hands together in glee.

I’m so going to hell.