Mathew Browne

So the Missus just calls me while I’m at work to cry down the phone at me. Seriously, it took me about 10 minutes so get any sense out of her. What is it with crying women? That scene from Friends got it so right.

Turns out that one of the diamonds in her engagement ring fell out. That’s what you get when you buy jewellery from Argos. (Predictable punchline I know. I just couldn’t resist making that joke…)

Seriously though, it’s no biggie. Math was smart enough to insure the thing. Problem is, I now have to go back to Ernest Jones on Oxford Street and, presumably, fill in a shitload of paperwork. Fun.

I remember when I bought the ring in the first place, the guy serving me went out of his way to assure me that I could bring the ring back “if it doesn’t fit, or for any other reason you no longer need the ring”. Translation: “No woman would ever marry you, you ginger freak”. Prick.

For years, I had a crippling fear of lifts. I mean panic attack-grade fear. However, working on the 5th floor and being a thoroughly lazy bastard, I have found that recently, laziness has beat out my phobia. Ditto the fact that Goodge St tube station has lifts or 130-something steps to ascend.

Unfortunately, an incident on the lift at UCL today has done some work in resurrecting the fear. Four people got on the lift on the ground floor, pressing the button for the 2nd, 3rd 4th and 5th floor. Here is a poorly-written transcript of my journey after that…

Doors close. Lift starts moving.
Voice of the lift: “Second floor”
Doors open. Person leaves. Doors close. Lift start moving.
Voice of the lift: “Third floor”
Doors open. Person leaves. Doors close. Lift start moving.
Voice of the lift: “Fourth floor”
Doors open. Person leaves. Doors close. Lift start moving.
Voice of the Lift: “Third Basement”
Lift stops moving. Doors don’t open. I’m alone in the lift and shitting myself - not literally but nearly. Door finally opens, and the lift is about 18 inches above ground level. I leap out and scuttle off.

Third fucking basement?! The building I work in doesn’t even have a basement.